The CAMORA Aptitude Test

Are you a true real ale drinker? Do you think you could pass the initiation into The Chosen Alcoholic Monks of the Righteous Ale (CAMORA)?

Below is part of the written exam successfully completed by one of the heroes of ‘The Quest for the Holy Ale’ (by Rowe and Schofield) in his efforts to attain a sacred brew. Could you pass it? Go on, have a bash…

The CAMORA Aptitude Test

1) You spill half of your pint into your beard. Do you:

a) go home and wash it in a nice, scented, herbal shampoo;

b) swear violently and look for someone to blame and hit;

c) wring out your beard, making sure all of the nectar flows back into the glass, and then carry on drinking.

2) The barmaid is a bit too buxom and knocks over your drink with one of her ample bosoms. Do you:

a) demand another one claiming your uncle Tarquin is a top barrister and you’ll sue if you are not fully recompensed;

b) shout 'Oy Oy Saveloy' and get your mates over for a good laugh at the poor woman's expense, thus proving that she's not the only big tit in the room, or;

c) be embarrassed about being in the presence of such a lovely, yet still have the fortitude and grace to accept her apology without comment upon her well-developed figure.

3) The best snack to accompany a drink is:

a) a bit of raw carrot, celery, and an olive;

b) chips (they are the best accompaniment to any food/ drink/ occasion);

c) pork scratchings (the reason pigs were invented!).

4) Tasting notes. These should contain words like:

a) cheeky, young, nose;

b) fizzy, yellow, tasteless;

c) chocolately, hoppy, full-bodied.

5) The best clothes to wear on a night out are:

a) blazer, old-school tie, cuff-links;

b) football shirt, trackie bottoms, knuckleduster;

c) sandals with socks, woolly jumper, hat with a feather in it.

6) Morris Dancing:

a) a past-time of sad has-beens;

b) a great chance to hit someone with a big stick;

c) an important cultural heritage that has the advantage of building up a thirst.

7) The interior of a pub should contain:

a) prints by some young trendy artist, armchairs, yuppies;

b) sporting memorabilia, broken furniture, blood stains;

c) dark wood, horse-brasses, a log fire.

8) Toilets. These should contain:

a) soothing piped music, warmed seats, a man who gives you a towel;

b) a condom machine that also sells inflatable sheep, absolutely no toilet paper, advertisements opposite the urinal for things like personalised number plates;

c) extremely cold air, an odour of stale urine, a fly to aim at whilst having a wee.

9) The best shape for your belly is:

a) a six pack;

b) a pint pot;

c) a full barrel big enough to rest your drink on.

10) A lady drinker starts to talk to you. Do you try to impress her by:

a) sniffing your drink and declaring it to have an aroma of the valleys (south slope) and to be from a particularly good year (even though you're only drinking fizzy water);

b) drinking 20 pints, beating up the biggest bloke in the room, and tattooing her name on your forearm/head/skin;

c) sitting around in embarrassed silence trying to think of something witty to say, buying her a pickled egg, explaining the rules of cricket.

Alternate 10), should you be female. A male drinker starts to talk to you. Do you:

a) brush him off like the speck of dirt he is;

b) have ten children with him;

c) explain that you actually understand cricket even down to the Duckworth-Lewis equation.

Answers: If you answered all (c) then you are eligible to continue the ‘trials of the wise', and potentially join CAMORA. If you answered all (a) then you are a wine drinker. There is nothing wrong with this, but it won't get you into CAMORA, which is rather an exclusive club. And as you are the type of person who rather likes exclusive clubs this will probably annoy you. If you answered all (b) then you are a lager drinker. Whereas you can get real ale lagers you wouldn't know what they are and you would probably complain about their flatness, slight cloudiness and taste. You are definitely not wanted in CAMORA!